Hansel & Gretel Parody
by HarlequinTroupeMaster
Summary: Hansel & Gretel like you've never seen them before!
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a family of peasants who lived deep in the Child-Eating-Witch forest, the deepest, darkest and most child-eating-witch infested in all the land. In this family there was a mother, a father and two children named Hansel and Gretel. These children were poor, thin and impoverished. These two children grew up to become hostile, disobedient teenagers, who still loved their parents, on second thoughts, they loved their dad and late mother, not so much their step-mother as you will find out later in the story.

When the children were fourteen, a great time of drought & poverty occurred. Crops failed, meals were missed and multiple bushfires came and nearly destroyed their home. During the winter of a particularly bad year the parents were so poor that the cruel step-mother (their real mother was caught in a bushfire) ordered their father to take the children out under the pretence of collecting firewood and abandon them just before dark. Luckily, Hansel had overheard this conversation and, while his parents were asleep, snuck out and filled his pockets with pebbles from the front yard.

The following day, as Hansel had overheard, his heavy-hearted father took them to collect wood and promptly abandoned them, luckily, Hansel had left a discreet trail of pebbles to follow and they found their way back home, avoiding all the tempting candy-covered houses, remembering what their late mother had told them, "never go anywhere near candy covered houses, nasty child-eating-witches live there and once you go in, there's no going out." When they arrived home their father was surprised (but inwardly ecstatic) and their step-mother acted surprised but was seething inside.

_Author's Note:_

_Please review this chapter, include anything: suggestions for improvement ,etc. just don't flame me. This is my first FanFiction, so keep that in mind. Please continue to review the following chapters. _


	2. Chapter 2

Later that year, during summer, times were again lean as bushfires had burned the family's crops. Again, their evilly cruel step-mother (she hated them even more since winter) ordered their father to take the children out on an overnight trek to meet their aunt-in-law. Hansel, the nosy child he is, was again listening in on his parents' conversation and snuck out to collect more pebbles.

The next day they travelled all day, led by their father, again with a heavy heart, and made camp deep in a cave that they found. They woke up the following morning to find, not so unexpectedly, their father had abandoned them this would have been fine, had a large bushfire not swept through the area the night before. Luckily they weren't affected by this because of the cave in the gully. This hot bushfire had completely destroyed Hansel's trail of golden pebbles, leaving no way to get back home. Hansel and Gretel were both very distressed, so when they found a candy-covered house they totally forgot their late mother's warnings and began to feast on it.


	3. Chapter 3

Of course there was a witch inside the candy-covered house, who was delighted to find to such nice looking children, especially after the fire the night before. She walked to the door, leaning heavily on her walking stick as she had used all her energy repelling the bushfire the previous night, and welcomed them in. The witch then offered them dinner and then gave them soft beds to sleep on.

The following morning Hansel and Gretel got up; not noticing they were both in candy-cane cages, and began feasting on the cooked breakfast that was laid out for them. The witch, in her evilness, had drugged this breakfast with a potion that caused the children to do whatever she told them to do. The pattern of eat fatty food – sleep – eat fatty food – sleep continued for almost a year until the witch decided to eat them for lunch. The witch was so excited that she completely forgot to feed the children breakfast, who quickly recovered from the drugs and realized that she was going to eat them, however couldn't think of anything to do.

The witch opened Gretel's cage and used her powers to move her out of the cage (she was too heavy to do anything else with). The witch then rested for a couple of minutes. When the witch got up she bent over to open the extremely large oven and get the extremely large tray out, taking some time. Hansel, unwittingly, let a massive fart out, propelling herself forwards at 60km/h towards the bent over witch.

Gretel hit the witch, knocking her into the oven and closing the oven door at the same time. This resulted in the witch's top half becoming stuck in the oven, turned up to 420o Celsius and her bottom half nearly having all the bones in the hip broken and circulation cut off. Gretel's rebound hit Hansel's cage, freeing him by shattering the cage into many pieces. Gretel continued bouncing until she eventually stopped, leaving the walls nearly destroyed. Hansel spent this time thinking how they would escape from the house. He then realized that the door was made out of peanut brittle and his cage made out of candy cane. He picked up a large piece of his cage and smashed the brittle door with it.


	4. Chapter 4

Hansel and Gretel escaped through were the door used to be, the house collapsing as a light breeze swept through the clearing. The siblings were shivering in their meager clothing by the time they found their way home (24 days), which was covered in rips and holes from rolling along the path. By this time they had lost a considerable amount of weight (246kg to 123kg) from being out in the cold with little to eat. Their father was astonished to see them, as he had mourned for them for two months after the bushfire the day he abandoned them. After a day of storytelling they asked their father where their cruel step-mother was. He replied:

"She was caught in a bushfire not long after she forced me to abandon you."

The children replied joyously,

"Hooray, she's gone" sung Gretel

"Good riddance" said Hansel

Their father replied

"Yes, I'm glad she's gone to. When she died I suddenly felt much freer, like she'd been hypnotizing me."

The family of three continued to live happily ever after, apart from Hansel and Gretel taking every weight-loss program in existence (not many!), which failed to prevent them from dying of Cardiac Arrest at the age of 36. Their father, who had suffered enough in his life, had his wish granted as was destroyed, along with all trace of the family's existence, on February the 11th 1009.

The End

_Author's Note:_

_Although it says the end I may decide to write an epilogue with more dialogue detailing their weight loss regimes and other things after the story. If you have any suggestions add them in a review._


End file.
